Where Do You Draw The Line?

Watching TV this weekend, I saw something that really irritated me. I don't really watch reality shows too much because I think they are rubbish. But I have been watching a few episodes of B.ig B.rother (my sister's fiance made me).

Here's a break down of what happened:
One dude messed with another girl's painting and she starting crying about it. The rest of the housemates all rallied round her and started hating on the other dude. They were yelling at him telling him to apologise, and that he was a creep. Anyway, another housemate stepped up and said "it's just a painting". Well then they all got on him. I mean he had like 4-5 people jumping up in his face and yelling at him. Well the whole thing came to a head when one guy spat in the other dude's face. Yes, he spat in the man's face, just under his eye. The dude did nothing. In fact he started crying.

Now, I can understand if he's not a violent type of person. He would much rather avoid conflict but there is no way I am letting anyone spit in my face. Maybe he was shocked, or maybe he knows how to control himself. But that could not have been me. I was heated just looking at it. But then again, I have a horrible temper. I was watching it with my sister and her fiance and we all couldn't believe what just happened. We were all heated.

I don't wanna turn this into a race thing so I won't reveal the races of the people involved but I'm sure you can probably guess. I think it is disgusting to spit in any one's face. I don't even like to spit in the street. I just think that is the ultimate disrespect.

Now if this had happened to you, would you be able to keep your composure and not kick the shit out of the other person? Would you be able to remain calm?

Don't Make Me Come Over There And Dropkick You In The Forehead

Sorry for the long ass title, but that's how I feel right about now. I like my job, and I even enjoy it sometimes, but then there are times where i want to scream and rip my hair out.

If I didn't tell you before (or you weren't paying attention the first time) I work for a travel insurance company in London. It's not a huge company and most of our business is done online. There aren't that many people in the office (to be honest there's only two of us). Like i said everything is done online. But we do have about 200 travel agents that sell our products as well. And this is where my stress comes from. These bastids are just so frickin lazy. They will call me every minute to ask me prices instead of looking them up themselves. They ask me to issue their policies for them because they can't be asked to learn to use the system for themselves.

The worst thing of all is trying to get these fools to pay their invoices on time. This one agent owes me £289.88 for policies they issued in the month of April 2008. Now I've had bad history with this agent, because they never pay their invoices on time and when they do pay them they never pay the full amount. So what i usually do is total up all their outstandings and just deduct whatever they do pay us from the total. Sounds simple right? So why was I on the phone for 54 minutes with this fool and he's trying to tell me he already paid for one of the policies from the April invoice.

The agent sent me a cheque for £582.05 on the 16th April 2008. Now this was the remaining balance on their account dating all the way back to July 2006 (i told you they never pay their invoices on time or all in one go). So after that was banked that brought their account up to date. They were invoiced on the 1st of May 2008 for the policies issued in April. He's telling me that one of the policies in the April invoice was included in the £582.05 cheque. Now the policy in question wasn't issued until 23rd April 2008. How the hell do you pay for something that hasn't been issued yet? Why pay for a policy a week before you even issue it? I asked him this same question, all now I am waiting for an answer. The thing that got to me was, he wasn't actually listening to what I was telling him. He kept interrupting me and telling that I was basically wrong and he was right. I told him to send me a break down of all the policies that were paid for by the £582.05 cheque. He tells me he can't print out the remittance sheet. Now that's bull because they've done it before. So instead he reads the names out to me. I search our system and only find two of those names. So who the hell are the other people? He's telling me check my system again. It's not going to change, they are not there, unless you issued it under another name, their policy does not exist.

I'm used to agents trying to bullshyt their way out of paying an invoice but to have me on the phone for damn near an hour talking shyt and trying to tell me I'm wrong. Are you serious??! These agents really think I'm stupid. If it was left to me I would just suspend all their accounts and not open it again, until they paid me every last red cent.

Random Rants & Rubbish

• If you don't like the woman, then tell her. It makes no sense being nice to her face and then talking about her behind her back. You told her you would so something for her, so either do it, or tell her you lied and only said it to get rid of her. Until you do either, she will just keep coming back. If you would stop flirting so much, you wouldn't have this problem.

• Okay, yes he should have called to let you know he was going out and wouldn't be home until late. But he did text you (although he was already drunk at that point), let it go. He's a grown man, you said your piece now forget it. One day you're push it too far and lose him. You really are turning into your mother.
  

• I wish these travel agents would stop calling me for stupid stuff. You have all the leaflets in your office and the online system which will quote the prices for you. Why do you need to call me every five minutes and get me to look up prices for you? You think I don't have anything else to do?

• Why when I owe you money, you gotta hunt me down for it, but when you owe me money you conveniently forget to go to the cash point to get it.
  


• I really need a shampoo shield for Meems. It is a nightmare trying to wash her hair. She turns and twists and splashes water everywhere. By the time I'm done, me and the bathroom floor are soaking wet.

• I think people in England complain too much. Especially about programmes on television. So one man gets buried alive, does that really warrant hundreds of complaints. You are adults you should know it's not real. And why are you letting your children watch soaps anyway?

Memories - The Big Move

I graduated high school on 13th June 2001. On 21st June 2001 I landed at Heathrow Airport with my sister. She had come down to Florida for my graduation. After all the talk of moving my mum had done, I was surprised to learn that she wasn't coming with me. Apparently she was going to stay for another year and work and save some money. So why was it necessary for me to leave so soon? I have been wondering that same question for the past 7 years. Anyway that's what happened. So I came here and I immediately hated it. Although I was born here, I didn't consider it my home. I didn't know anyone and all my friends and my boyfriend were back in Florida.

I got my first job in July 2001. I was a cashier at IK.EA. My sister used to work there and helped get me an interview. I then started my second job in August 2001 ( and i still work here now). So I worked two jobs for a couple of months, but I was getting home too late and not getting enough sleep so I quit IK.EA. When we moved back, we didn't have a place to live. My sister stayed with her friend and I stayed with my dad. Then my uncle came over to study, so my dad needed the room, so I went to stay with my sister at her friend's house. We stayed there a while and then my sister and I moved into a flat together. We were there for about 6 months until my mum moved over and we got a bigger flat. But it wasn't big enough so we moved again into a three bedroom house. It was okay for a while, all three of us back under the same roof. But as I told you, my family is crazy, so the drama started up again, and my mum still didn't have her priorities in order where money was concerned. So there were times where me and my sister had to bail her out in terms of bills and rent. It was like nothing had changed.

I'm gonna be honest with you, back in 1997-1998 my mum had gotten into some trouble (with the law). She was in jail for a while. It was hard for me while she was gone because I could hear all the smart remarks everyone was making. They would come over under the guise of checking on me, but they were really just fishing for information. This is why I don't speak to any of my mum's friends because they are all two faced. I try to tell my mother this but she never listens. Anyway, she was released and tagged. I remember when they put that black box in my living room. I remember the random visits from her probation officer to make sure she was home when she was supposed to be. I think this was the main reason for coming back to England. She was all about how people viewed her and I guess that didn't tie in with what she wanted her image to be. She couldn't stand the fact that people had seen her fall off her pedestal. So she decided to retreat, it's just a shame she had to drag me with her.

I've grown accustomed to London now. Hell, I've had 7 years to get used to it. Although I will always be a Miami girl.

I Hate You.....Sometimes

I am my own worst enemy. I am the biggest obstacle in my life right now. And due to some stupid choices I made in the past, I am now in a position that I don't want to be in.

Right now I live with my sister. I am staying with her, to help me save money to get a place for me and my daughter. I won't bore you too much with all the details of how I got here. Long story short, I shouldn't have moved in with people I didn't know very well. So anyway, my sister let me and Meems come and live with her. I am and will always be grateful to her for that because I had nowhere else to go. Now I give her a certain amount of money every month to contribute towards the bills and stuff. So I'm not living there scot-free. I cook and clean and do laundry, hell, I earn my keep. It can never be said that I don't pull my weight. I make sure I do this stuff because, well you know what my family is like.

Now my sister can be one lazy woman and her fiance isn't any better. It could be something as simple as picking up the clean laundry and putting them away. If I do laundry and hang them out, they will stay there for at least a week, if I don't pick them up. If you see the laundry there, is it really that hard to just pick it up? I will pick them up and fold them and put every one's laundry in their room. My sister if she picks them up, will throw my laundry on my bed. Maybe I'm being petty but is it really that hard to fold the laundry, I do it. I guess we are just different people. This also applies to washing dishes. Her fiance will wash the dishes, but never the pots and pans. WTF?! If you are washing up, wash everything!! I already told y'all what she's like with the kids.

Yesterday I came home and she was washing her hair. Now we use different hair products so I keep everything except my shampoo in my room. Not that I wanted it that way, but apparently my hair stuff and hers in the bathroom makes it too congested. Anyway, after she finishes, she tells me that she used up the last of my shampoo. Now normally I would have no problem with this, but she has two full bottles of her own shampoo in the bathroom. So why was it necessary to finish mine? But she does that all the time. I don't mind you using my things but if you finish it you better buy it back. And she never does. Why buy your own products if all you're gonna do is use mine?

When I moved in, my sister was like, "don't think of it as you are renting from me, this is your home as well". But I don't feel like that. Because I know what she is like, I will always feel as though it is her home and I am invading. That's why I will clean up after them and do stuff around the house. I can't really complain because I only have myself to blame for getting myself into this situation. If I made better choices, I wouldn't be where i am now. And for that I really do hate myself sometimes. Only because I wish I had thought a bit more before I acted. But I have learned from my mistakes and hopefully soon, I will be in a better position to help myself and my daughter. Until then, I will just have to bide my time and rant on my blog.

Yep.....It's Tuesday

1. What's your favorite color of lingerie?
I'd probably say black, but I've been branching out lately. I've bought alot of pink recently. I love lingerie in general so in my collection right now I have: black, black and baby blue, red, pink, cream and black, and green.

2. Do you have a porn collection?
I don't. porn is okay but I see no need to have a collection.

3. Do you have any fetishes?
No none.

4. What is your favorite place to have sex?
Don't really have a favourite place, as long as I'm comfortable, I'll do it anywhere.



5. Do you like to scratch, bite, pull hair, etc? Do you like having it done to you?
I do tend to scratch a bit but nothing to hard. I like having my hair pulled from behind (just don't yank it), biting is okay as long as you don't get crazy with it. I like being spanked, but not too hard that my ass stings afterwards. If you do that, I will kick you and it will be all over.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you think the number of sexual partners you've had is below average, average, or above average, and how does that make you feel?
To be quite honest, i don't know. I've been sexually active for about 9 years and have had 6 different partners. You tell me. I'm quite okay with that number, I have nothing to prove.

Thug Commandments

Ms. Behaving tagged me, so let's get it poppin

The rules:
1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!
4: After you've answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they've been tagged to do the meme themselves!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Lollipop - Lil Wayne (that don't make no sense)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Long Gone Missin - Trey Songz

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Sex for Yo Stereo - Trey Songz (I have nothing to say)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Go! - Mario (as in I want to go home? yes)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Love In This Club - Usher (what?? I'm going to sit in the corner SMH)

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Back Of My Lac - J Holiday (wow)

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Shawty Is Da Shit - The Dream (lol that I can live with)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Love Like This Remix - Natasha Bedingfield ft. Lil Wayne and Sean Kingston (okay)

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Co-Star - Day26 (huh?)

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
Go On Girl - Neyo (lol)

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I Changed My Mind - Keyshia Cole (well damn, that's actually true)

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Help Me - Chris Brown (okay I can work with that)

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bye-Bye - Mariah Carey (that's depressing)

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I'm The Reason - Day26 (what??)

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Don't Fight The Feeling - Day26 (not bad)

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
What It Feels Like - Day26 (damn three in a row, what kind of shuffling is this?)

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Come And Get It - Marques Houston (really? that would be funny)

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Come In - Day26 (what the hell?)

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
What these B***** Want - DMX (uhh I don't think so)

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Kryptonite - Mario

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Come To Me - P. Diddy

22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Thug Commandments - J. Holiday

I'm not gonna tag anyone else. Because everyone has already done it or been tagged to do it. But if you want to do it then feel free.

Memories - My Father

I have a different father to my sister and brother. My mum and their dad were married for years but divorced before my mum had me. Then my mum met my dad and I was born. He was in my life up until I moved to St Vincent when I was four and I didn't hear anything more about him. I don't blame him for that, with all the moving around I did, I couldn't keep track of myself. So I never really got a chance to know him. But I did have a father figure in my life. My sister's dad (we'll call him Fred) was just like a father to me. He kept in contact with both of us when we lived in America. When my sister moved back to England, he still checked in on me from time to time. When I moved back here, he let me stay with him until I got sorted out. Whenever he would introduce me to his friends, I was his daughter. His family think of me as his daughter. It's great because he didn't have to do that. He and my mum were over before I even came into the picture. And even though, it was a long distance relationship, at least I still had someone i could call dad. We are still close now.

As for my biological dad(we'll call him Carl), although I don't blame him for not being in my life when I was younger, I do blame him for not being in it now. When I moved back here in 2001, I saw Carl on several different occasions. On each occasion I gave him my contact details and he said he'd keep in touch. He never did. When I found out I was pregnant, I looked up his details and called to let him know. He wasn't very enthusiastic. I think his exact words were "Oh, that's nice." You'd think I'd take the hint. I even went as far as to send him an invitation to Meems' christening, still no response. So then i finally got the hint and stopped trying. If he wanted to know me he would have called. I could understand if I was hostile to him when we met but I wasn't. I guess he has just moved on with his life and doesn't want to revisit the past. I know he has other children but I'm not sure how many. I do know that there was drama between my mum and his new wife years back, so maybe that has something to do with it.

Although Fred has been there for me and is basically my father, I still feel rejected by Carl. I didn't really miss out on anything because I still had a father figure in my life (and I had uncles that were around as well) but it would have been nice to get to know Carl. Just so I could learn about the other side of my family. Get to know my other siblings. But I'm not gonna dwell on it too much. The way I see it, he's the one missing out.

Fred is a remarkable man to me. He has never once made me feel like I wasn't one of his kids. He's great with Meems and she loves him. He has been very supportive of me. I thank God that he's in my life. Even though I do have a father in Fred, there is always going to be a part of me that wonders why Carl didn't want to know me. But it is a very small part of me and I won't let it rule my life, so I can live with that.

Memories - My Sister and Brother

In alot of ways, my sister is just like my mother. That's why they fight so much. Although, my sister isn't as bad as my mum, she's bad enough.

My sister is eight years older than me so we never really hung out when we were younger. We didn't really have anything in common. When we did live together in America, she used to pick on me. Nothing major, just normal big sister bullying. When she moved back to England, I was upset because she left me with my mum. I know that there wasn't much she could have done, but back then I felt betrayed. We didn't really keep in touch that often once she left. I knew nothing about her life in London and she knew nothing of mine in Florida. She did come to visit a few times. But she had her friends to hang out with and didn't really spend much time with me.

When I moved here, we got to know each other more. She helped me get my first job. Things were cool. But she can be selfish at times. It's like she expects people to just do things her way and not argue about it. She thinks she knows everything and always wants to give you advice. But it's the way she speaks to you. She kinda forces her opinions on you and speaks to you like you are an idiot. Like you can't make your own decisions. She can be a bit two faced at times as well. She says one thing to my face, but then I hear something else from some one else. Why not just come and tell me what you have to say. Her and my mum do that alot. She has this way of trying to make people feel sorry for her and guilt tripping them into doing things for her (another a trait of my mother's). She's rude and spiteful at times as well. I hate when she tries to involve me in her fights with mum. I don't want to know and I'm not picking sides. I know she has her own issues with mum, but I can't sort those out for her, I've got my own to deal with. I love my sister, I even like her sometimes. She can be a real cool person at times and we do get along, but then there are those times where I want to smack her.

My brother on the other hand is just a selfish fool. I'm not really sure why he didn't come to live with us in America. He's ten years older than me. From what I have been told, when he was younger he was a troublemaker and for whatever reason he was put into care. I don't know much more than that. I guess because of this, he feels like he was left behind. He acts like everyone owes him something. He thinks he rules the land because, as he puts it "he's the first born". He doesn't really call unless he wants something (usually money). He can be rude and obnoxious at times. He's also violent. He's never been violent with me but he has threatened me and my mum before. I don't play that shit. I told him straight, "you touch me and I will cut your ass". We didn't grow up around each other, so we don't really know each other well. So I can't really be too hard on him. I don't know what happened before I was born. All my feelings are based on how he is now. And now, he's a fool. I think the weed messed with his brain.

It's TMI Tuesday.....

1. If you're in love with your partner, does it make the sex better?
Well I don't know. Maybe there would be more of an emotional bond if you're in love. But the other person could have no clue what they are doing and no amount of love is gonna make that better.

2. What is the most expensive sex toy you've ever purchased?
I haven't bought any sex toys. I'm quite surprised that I haven't. But that may just change soon...

3. If you knew ahead of time you would not have an orgasm, would you still have sex?
Yes. I haven't always had an orgasm EVERY TIME I had sex, but that sure of hell hasn't stopped me. Besides I orgasm faster from oral anyway.

4. What celebrity would you most like to have sex with if given the chance?
Will Smith. i didn't even have to think twice about that. I am the deepest Will Smith fan. My second choice would be 50 cent. Have you seen his body??!! DAMN!!!

5. Have you ever had sex while an audience watched?
Not that I am aware of. I've had sex in public places before but I didn't see people around, but just because I didn't see them doesn't mean they weren't there.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best sexual encounter you've ever had.
Probably my entire relationship with my ex. he was just in tune with my body and knew what I liked. And he was great at what he did.

Memories - My Mother

I've decided to post about each of my family members, so you can get an idea of what I have to deal with.

My mother is a bit slap happy. Her first reaction to everything is to lash out at you physically. Here's a prime example. Now, I can understand spanking your child for being naughty. Hey I'm all for it. But you need to know the difference between a beating and a beat down. What I got was a beat down. Since I was the youngest, I lived with my mum longer than any of my siblings. My brother never lived in America with us, he stayed in England. My sister lived with my aunt in New York and then moved back to England once she turned 18. So most of the time it was me and my mum. Now I'm not saying I was an angel growing up but I was a pretty good kid. I did have a little attitude going on and would answer back, when someone told me off. A few of those slaps to the face were deserved. But there were those other beatings that were just uncalled for.

There was the one time, when I was living in Queens with my mum. She worked late quite alot so i would usually go over to the neighbours house after school until she came home. Well one day, we stayed at my house and were watching TV and pigging out on cereal. My mum came home and sent the kids home. Now I could see in her face that she was mad but I couldn't tell why. We didn't make a mess, we were all in the living room, I didn't see what the problem was. Well she was angry because I opened about three different boxes of cereal. I'm serious!! She beat my ass because I had more than one box of cereal open. I really do think that she was in a bad mood and wanted to take her frustrations out on someone and I was the only one there. So she gets this big stick that was propping up one of her plants and proceeds to beat me with it. I mean I was swollen from head to toe. My arms, were bruised and welted. My ankle was swollen. Then this woman woke me up in the middle of the night to soak in the tub. She must have realised I had to go to school the next day and wanted the swelling to go down. Well it didn't, and I had to tell people I fell down my stairs when they asked me why I was limping. It was hot as hell but I was wearing a long sleeve shirt to cover the bruises. There wasn't really anyone I could talk to, my sister wasn't around. I only had my mum. And she knew this and exploited the hell out of it.

There are a lot more instances, but I don't wanna bring them all up. I was getting upset just typing that last one out. The thing with my mum is that she takes her frustration out on everyone else. She never holds herself accountable for her own actions. It's always someone else's fault. And she never gave me a beating with a belt. It was either a stick, there was a wooden plank that she cracked over my head, a pot, a hot curling iron, a shoe or a closed fist. Whatever was near her hand at the time.

She isn't very good with money either, but she likes to show off. She wouldn't have money to pay the bills but she had money to buy nice stuff to show her friends. There were so many times where I'd come home and there was no electricity, no water. I had to shower with a hose (from my neighbour's house) in my back yard. That shit is embarrassing. I never had my friends over because of this. But we always had nice expensive Italian furniture though. She prided herself on always having the best. She's still like that now. It's ridiculous because she obviously has her priorities screwed up. But you can't tell her anything, she is always right. There's nothing wrong with wanting and having the best but you need to make sure that you're priorities are in order. When you have kids to take care of, they should come first. Having electricity in your house, so your kids can see to do their homework should come before that nice marble coffee table. Having water to cook and bathe with should be more important than that mahogany Italian living room set. But with my mother it never did. And where is all that stuff, now. Well she had to sell it to her friend because her flat is too small for it. But her children.....we're still here.

I always felt like my mother put other people before her kids. It was more about what her friends thought of her. These are the same friends that would talk about her behind her back and laugh at her. I love my mother but I don't like her. I love her because she gave me life and that is the only reason. She is a selfish and spiteful woman. There are many times, where I say I am just going to wash my hands of her and not speak to her anymore. But I'm not that type of person. There are times where we get on very well and I think okay maybe things will be different but then she reminds me of who she really is. She is only out for herself.

Damn this is getting long. I'll continue the rest later.

Memories - Moving

I think about the past quite a bit. I don't dwell on it but I do think about it from time to time. I think about the things I've gone through, mistakes I've made and how I got to be where I am now. I think about how the relationship I have with my family got to the stage it is now. My childhood wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't all that great either.

I was born in London like the rest of my siblings. At the age of four my mum sent me and my sister (she was 12 at the time) to live in St. Vincent with my aunt and her family. I hated it there. We were always second to my cousin (the same one i wanted to smack here). Besides the fact my uncle was a pastor, they were quite strict and I missed my mum. We stayed there for about 3-4 years. Then my mum sent for us to come and live with her in Florida. We moved to Florida and lived with my mum for a while before she decided to ship us off to live with another aunt in New York. Now in my young mind I'm wondering why is my mum sending me to live with other people. I'm starting to think she doesn't want me. But I moved and lived with my aunt and cousins. I lived in New York for about 4-5 years. That time was split between living with my aunt in Brooklyn and living with my mum in Queens. My sister stayed with my aunt the entire time. All that moving was hard on me, because I had to change schools alot. So I basically stayed to myself, because I didn't wanna go through making friends and then having to leave them when my mum decided to move me again. Once my sister turned 18 she decided that she wanted to move back to England, and she did. I felt alone then, because she was the only constant thing in my life at the time. I thought that she should have stayed with me. I think a part of me still resents her for it.

Then when I was about 12, my mum wanted us to move back to Florida. At this point I was used to moving so it didn't even phase me. I stayed in Florida until I was 17. I had to beg my mum to let me finish high school first before she decided to move again. Towards the end of my junior year in high school, my mum started talking about moving back to England. I was tired of changing schools, I just wanted to complete my high school education in one place. So she obliged and a week after my graduation, I found myself in London, without my mother.

I'm Still Here

Wow a whole week and no post? Guess I'm not very talkative huh? But I have been reflecting on a few things about my life and my relationships with my family. I express myself better when I write things down, or in this case type it out. So I have started to write about my childhood and how I think that has determined my relationships with my family and people in general. I can ramble on sometimes, so I will break them up into segemnts, so that I'm not typing all day.


Stay tuned.......